Yesterday I was at the hospital getting an endoscopy and biopsies for yet another terrible autoimmune thing that I don’t even remember the name of because my body has decided I have to have all of them and after I got into a bed the nurse told me to think of a song to play during the procedure because the doctor now lets you pick what plays while you go under anesthesia, and I’m 99% sure this is because of my husband turning into a werewolf. See, last year Victor had a procedure at the same place and when I came to see him in the recovery room he was very loopy and distraught because he insisted that he’d turned into a werewolf during the procedure and had ripped off the arms of his doctor. I explained that he was just still high but he was like, “They were playing Werewolves of London when I went under. WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? HOW WILL HE BE A DOCTOR WITH NO ARMS?” and eventually we had to get the doctor to come back to prove he still had his arms and even then Victor wasn’t entirely convinced.
Of course my head immediately went blank of any appropriate songs I’ve ever known and instead Victor and I started listing all of the songs I could request, including:
Norwegian Death Metal
Gin & Juice
Rawhide
That song that plays when Darth Vader is walking anywhere
The Liberty Mutual jingle that is basically just the word “Liberty” repeated over and over
The Oscar Mayer Weiner Song
My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide
The Czechoslovakian National Anthem
My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Lumps
The Meow Mix Jingle
The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
Mister, Would You Please Help my Pony?
My Milkshake Brings All The Boys to the Yard
I also considered and then ruled out a number of songs that would be fun but possibly dangerous to play during a procedure, including The Hokey Pokey, The Macarena, Deep in the Heart of Texas and If You’re Happy and You know It Clap Your Hands.
Then the nurse came back because she thought I was crying because I guess most people aren’t laughing hysterically while waiting for stomach biopsies and in the end I couldn’t come up with anything good so I asked for Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, which has some pretty questionable lyrics but is still a banger.
Spoiler: I survived and didn’t rip off anyone’s arms.
But today when I was walking Dorothy Barker I waved to the mailman and he was like, “Ow. Are you okay?” because it took several tries to get my IV in and I guess I blew out a vein because this is my arm today:
And then I said I was fine and that it was not from heroin, which probably seemed abrupt now that I think about it.
Anyway, please share any song suggestions that I missed because I’m sure there are lots of them.
